Off the Pace

Last night did not end well - meltdown, Panadol and ice packs. What happened?

The last four days have been busy by my head banged standards and I was pacing myself well - mostly. I had prioritised, planned and paced - my three P’s. What I hadn’t counted on was the priorities of the people who love me most, among others.

Yesterday should have been filled only with washing towels, my concussion physio appointment, a visit to a lovely friend of ours and then home to rest before getting some study done. That was the plan, those were the priorities I had.

Add to that list of priorities a trip to the supermarket - my husbands priority - and an hour long trip became two and a bit. You cannot ignore the people who say hello according to my hubby. He forgets to look for the signs I am exhausted and losing the battle with my brain. I need to be more aware of letting him know - not being afraid to interrupt him with my fatigue.
Over lunch I had planned to look at some study after a rest - a full on brain break. The rest happened. The study happened but so did a hunt in response to a work email and an earthquake - these last two meant more than planned for screen time. Screen time is exhausting - my eyes and, therefore, my brain have to adjust constantly to the flickering that happens as screens update with our work or the changes brought about by video. Scrolling through Facebook is no longer a pleasant task.

Plan for the day - not too far off track so far. Priorities are, however, becoming less of my own. Pacing - also heading out the window. Time for a rest after another two hours of screen time even with my micro-breaks. A micro-break means I close my eyes for 30 seconds and rest the brain. If you see someone doing this relatively regularly then they too have some form of brain injury.

Dinner to cook - not too bad to get done but that really was to be the last of my energy reserves it turned out. Dinner did get cooked. Then the priorities of others took over. I had, however, managed to put off the research person wanting me to complete an ACC survey over the phone at 4.50pm. Never a good time if you are suffering mTBI.

The girl child had made cupcakes before dinner and announced after we had eaten that I was in charge of making the buttercream - not my priority, not planned for and certainly not paced into my day. I could do this - just. Armed with my noise reducing earplugs in place and with the girl child measuring ingredients ensuring we were following the recipe, which for me is something I cannot do at the end of the day without frustration and irritation surfacing.

Earplugs in, working not too badly until along came another of someone else’s priorities. Hubby had found an item on the local buy,sell, swap site that required a discussion regarding purchase - right then. Not planned for so definitely not paced for. A request for letting me focus on job one before completing another did not come out politely at all. Frustration. Irritation. Hurt.

Once the buttercream was made and the girl child was sorted to ice her cupcakes I moved to hubby and his needs. Discussion. Purchase. Whew!

A quick bed sheet change, during which hubby stuck his head in the door and failed to even notice I was using the last of my energy reserves. No help offered. Not the end of the world.

The cracks finally broke wide apart when I had tried to escape to the bathroom - unsuccessfully! Hubby hunted me down. By the time I was done I really needed to give my brain a break. Alas - too late. The pain in the injured part of my head was sharp. Reaching for Panadol I broke down in tears wishing again for a cast, a pair of crutches, anything on the outside that would remind those used to me going at a hundred miles an hour that I cannot do that at the moment. I am now up nursing my head with an ice pack as the Panadol did not cut the pain like it usually does.  I have learned over the last few months that cooling the brain is the best way to stop the sharp pains I get.

Invisible injuries are the worst. People look at you and say you look fine. While I am at home and not over stimulated I feel fine. But there are things that are still not right - my sensitivity to sound and bright light, my memory, my lack of focus and, most of all, my fatigue. I know I am getting better - probably why my family forgets at times that I am still broken. But the improvements are hard won and only small steps.

How best to remind people? I guess I need to prioritise myself at the end of the day, plan to remind those around me that I struggle to add their plans in if I do not know ahead of time that I need to pace myself to allow for them. I need to use my P’s to protect myself. An invisible form of bubble wrap.