Invisibility from the Inside

Retrieved from https://lifeaftertbianewme.wordpress.com/2018/04/02/%F0%9F%94%B8-invisible-injury/

Did you know that concussion or mild traumatic brain injury is actually an invisible injury?  You cannot tell from the outside what has happened on the inside until you have been with the person longer than they should have kept going.  As a Resource Teacher this has given me a whole new understanding of those students I work with that appear perfectly normal but actually have something hiding on the inside.  It explains the anxiety I was aware of but never understood in a boy who had dysgraphia needing assistive technology to help him express himself, yet was one of the cleverest students in my class.  I now have an insiders view into their turmoil.

I have never before been in a situation where the words "You look fine" could make me feel such a range of emotion.  Anxiety that maybe I really should be doing more than I was or better than I felt.  Annoyance that just because I did not have a wheelchair, cast, bandages or other outward sign that that I was not OK I should be OK.  Concern that anything I said or did would be held against me as reasons I should be at work rather than recovering at home. Anger as I knew what was going on on the inside, how much preparation and planning had gone into even being in the presence of that person, and how much it would take out of me by the time we were done.  It could take me another day or two to recover from the excursion if I overdid it.

You see that's the not-so-funny thing about my injury.  All the bruising and swelling is hiding inside my skull and down the right inside of my neck.  There is no visible sign of it.  Unless I am overdoing it.  Then I start to slur words, cannot find the words I want so start talking gibberish, cannot stand for any length of time because my legs shake, withdraw from the social side of the situation, get the shakes on the inside anyway, my vision becomes blurred or double, feel nauseous, rub at my forehead as the tension increases and the headache begins.  I have been told by those who know me well that before I get to that stage I go quite pale - like I am suffering the flu.

I am sometimes left feeling like I am faking it.  That because I look fine and the black eye and grazes have healed that I should not be complaining about needing to leave after a short space of time or that I should be capable of working at least part of a day.  The fact that I know how long I can last - no more than an hour, if that, of focus/concentration/socialising - does not quell these feelings.  I totally understand why those with invisible injuries or disabilities find it easier to be either at home or with a few trusted friends.  You are not judged for how you seem on the outside.

The video below was created by Miles Christian and shared on the Waikato Brain Injury Facebook page.  It is titled 'Living with a Concussion - NO ONE UNDERSTANDS' and I so totally relate to his frustration and inability to express exactly how it feels.  To be able to start the day well but end up fading with the physical, mental and emotional exertion needed to just get through the day.  

According to the Disabled World Invisible Disabilities website there is about 10% of the USA population with an invisible disability.  When we stopped to talk to the local Brain Injury Association lady as she was fundraising for the branch here in Whanganui a poster stated that a New Zealander suffers a brain injury every 15 minutes. However, she said the latest statistic is closer to every 10 minutes.  So I am not alone then.  I am left to wonder how many others are left feeling like fakes, frauds and phoneys?  How many of the students sitting in our classrooms are expected to just get on with it when actually there is an invisible injury from their past or a disability hampering their ability to focus, concentrate, find the words that they need to express themselves in whatever form?  How well do we really understand their plight?  

There is a quote I have seen several times on Facebook and in other places about not judging me until you have walked a mile in my shoes.  I am grateful to those that get past the fact that I look fine and ask about how things are really going on the inside.