 |
| Retrieved from https://www.brainline.org/article/traumatic-brain-injury-is |
Most days along this mild traumatic brain injury journey I am on I have managed to live by the phrase 'it is what it is'. But then there are the other days, or the end of each day. I am told this is due to the areas of my brain that were hit as I fell and my brain bounced around inside my skull.
I landed on the left area of my head right where the temporal lobe is. This manages the feelings (somewhat broken as you will see as you read on), hearing (I am now sound sensitive) and learning (things go in but fail to be retained). My sight, in the form of malfunctioning binocular vision and light sensitivity, was affected as the brain bounced back into the skull and hit the occipital lobe and my balance is off because the cerebellum took a bit of a hit at the same time. My brainstem has shown its injury through my inability to manage my heart rate once I begin to overheat. There are minor language difficulties as described in my last post so I figure that the parietal lobe also received a good bruising.
I have never thought of myself as nor behaved like a diva. That kind of behaviour was not tolerated as I grew up and whatever self-centredness I had disappeared with the birth of our daughter. Funny thing about being a parent - suddenly your wants and needs go to the bottom of the pile.
I did suffer from PMT at times leading to tears and meltdowns. I have probably been what could have been diagnosed as depressed twice in my adult life. I have had stress related meltdowns, after which I would pick myself up and dust myself off. These all had the feeling of me not being in control at the time they were happening - something I had to ride out over a few hours and they were gone - usually for weeks at a time.
The emotional meltdowns that came after my head injury had some things in common with those earlier ones - but there were also previously unknown elements to them too. They were well beyond my control. I did, after a while, manage to pick myself up, dust myself down and move on - but not as quickly and with a fresh meltdown triggered exceptionally easily. I know from previous learning that I have been living in a flight or fight mode - fight being my most common response. Once I have been triggered the initial adrenaline rush subsides but the cortisol in my system as a result of the meltdown can make it super easy for me to be triggered over the following 24 hours. The anger could last for quite some time where previously a good cry and a hug dissipated it. I felt out of control - no longer the master of my emotions and not liking that feeling one little bit.
Initially I would have said this side of the mild traumatic brain injury did not set in until around the same time as everything else did - about a week and a half after impact. However, if I look back at our time away in Rarotonga there were signs it was starting then. Annoyance, as if it was hubby's fault, that we had been given the wrong information about where Matutu Brewery was in relation to Muri. A longer walk than 'just a K up the road' which we had been told. I had a headache, it was hot, I was in jandals rather than solid shoes for walking the 4 km each way we had to go, and I needed a loo - the brewery did not have a public one. Instant irritation, frustration and the holding back a meltdown. That was not the only time it happened over there but it was the worst and left me feeling like a very horrible wife out the other side of it all.
 |
| Retrieved from http://www.braintumoursupport.ie/the-central-nervous-system/brain-lobes-functions/ |
I have never thought of myself as nor behaved like a diva. That kind of behaviour was not tolerated as I grew up and whatever self-centredness I had disappeared with the birth of our daughter. Funny thing about being a parent - suddenly your wants and needs go to the bottom of the pile.
I did suffer from PMT at times leading to tears and meltdowns. I have probably been what could have been diagnosed as depressed twice in my adult life. I have had stress related meltdowns, after which I would pick myself up and dust myself off. These all had the feeling of me not being in control at the time they were happening - something I had to ride out over a few hours and they were gone - usually for weeks at a time.
The emotional meltdowns that came after my head injury had some things in common with those earlier ones - but there were also previously unknown elements to them too. They were well beyond my control. I did, after a while, manage to pick myself up, dust myself down and move on - but not as quickly and with a fresh meltdown triggered exceptionally easily. I know from previous learning that I have been living in a flight or fight mode - fight being my most common response. Once I have been triggered the initial adrenaline rush subsides but the cortisol in my system as a result of the meltdown can make it super easy for me to be triggered over the following 24 hours. The anger could last for quite some time where previously a good cry and a hug dissipated it. I felt out of control - no longer the master of my emotions and not liking that feeling one little bit.
Initially I would have said this side of the mild traumatic brain injury did not set in until around the same time as everything else did - about a week and a half after impact. However, if I look back at our time away in Rarotonga there were signs it was starting then. Annoyance, as if it was hubby's fault, that we had been given the wrong information about where Matutu Brewery was in relation to Muri. A longer walk than 'just a K up the road' which we had been told. I had a headache, it was hot, I was in jandals rather than solid shoes for walking the 4 km each way we had to go, and I needed a loo - the brewery did not have a public one. Instant irritation, frustration and the holding back a meltdown. That was not the only time it happened over there but it was the worst and left me feeling like a very horrible wife out the other side of it all.
 |
| https://www.pinterest.nz/pin/557742735099886855/ |
One major discovery was that I could not cope with following a recipe in the evenings. As I was struggling with the visual mind freak that going to the supermarket involved we decided to try using the Bargain Box system, where the bulk of your main meals are delivered as fresh ingredients to your door on a Sunday afternoon with the menu set for five days of the week. Deciding what to have for dinner was, in and of itself, a brain draining task as well. However, while the recipes for the delicious meals we were getting were easy this was not the case in the evenings when I was running on the very end of my mental and emotional reserves for the day. I would get angry with myself for taking so long and not managing like I used to. That would spill over into anger with everyone else around me showing as irritable, short, sharp bursts of verbal fire at whoever was, in actual fact, trying to help me.
Lo's favourite response when the doctor or anyone else asked about this symptom would be "No. She's really loooovely to live with." Dripping in sarcasm. In fact, I was completely demoralised by this inability to control myself emotionally. I felt absolutely awful after each outburst as I remembered the looks of hurt and withheld frustration on the faces of my family. I would then end up having a tearful time about the damage I was causing and that I could not stop myself from doing it.
The emotional impact of mild traumatic brain injury affects everyone living in the household. Our daughter was going through a particularly rough time, grieving a relationship that had split apart the same day as my own life had. Where I used to be able to be her crutch and support her through the crises of her life I could no longer be that. I was too emotionally 'all over the place' and fatigued to be there when she needed me most. This led to more emotional breakdowns as I realised I could no longer be the mother I had been over the years - and when she needed me most of all I felt I had let her down. I still feel that.
My husband no longer had his wife either - the person he could laugh with over silly things. I could not always get the humour as quickly as I had before, nor did we seem to be able to talk on the same wavelength without misunderstandings or me being simply too tired to care. To his credit he has walked away more often than not rather than continue when I have been out of control with irritability, frustration and then anger. That is the only way he could support me in that moment. He has been there wrapping me in his arms as I have struggled through the tear-filled, self-disgust laden diatribes aimed at me from me. He, quite frankly, has been my rock, anchor and safe harbour through all of this.
I am trying to be less of Dr Jekyll and more of Mr Hyde but each day is a new struggle in that department. One I am determined I will win - sooner rather than later.
No comments:
Post a Comment